A day in the Life of a Clown

The children were laughing and giggling and the clown with his colourful attire, red nose, white cheeks and long versicoloured locks sneaking out of his cap, was up to his antics. All he was seeing was the children and all he could hear was their laughter. The children were his inspiration. Making them laugh brought happiness to him. More than the children needing him, he needed them.

After the party was over Jake went back home and sat down in front of the mirror to take off his make up. The smile on his face replaced by gloominess. A sudden rush of emotions flooded him and he started crying for no perceivable reason. The tears rolling down his cheeks; his face contorted. The makeup on his face was smudged by his hands which, as if having a life of their own, had gone to wipe the tears away. A guttural and almost broken cry escaping his throat. The irony of a clown crying - the saddest oxymoron.

Jake barely made it to the table next to his bed. He took the anti-depressant pills. His head was spinning and he was reaching for the Glock he kept in the dresser. Then he saw the photograph on the top of the dresser - the smiling face of Betty and Ashley. It had been over five years since they were killed during a break-in at the Convenience Store where Betty worked. Jake could never forget that evening. It was Ashley's eighth birthday and he had a surprise planned for her back home with all the clowns from his troupe putting on a show for her. Jake and Ashley were sitting in the car waiting to pick up Betty; Ashley got out of the car and sauntered into the store to get her mother out quickly. Jake started to put on his clown nose to surprise Ashley and while he was putting it on, unnoticed by him two drunk teenagers got into the store. They panicked while taking the money and shot both Betty and Ashley. On hearing the shots Jake ran into the store - but by the time help arrived it was too late.

In a few minutes his head stopped spinning, his breathing was relaxed and his heart was not racing any more  He fell off to sleep on the floor next to the dresser with the Glock in his hand and his smudged make up still on.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. The alarm went off at 7 am in the morning. Jake woke up with a startle and rushed to get ready. He had a show at 10 am and he had just an hour to beat the traffic.

When

When you can't tell right from wrong
and your lips quiver whilst humming your favourite song

When darkness seems to be spanning the eternity

and the only certainity is the absolute uncertainity

When the courage to even make an attempt does not stir

and life just passes by as a blur

When you walk up to the edge of the cliff - jump to die

and spread your wings to try and fly

When a lifetime of memories runs in fast forward

and you fail to fly to land with a thud

Infinite Realities

All of us live in a world of our own and tend to see what we want to see. My absolute reality is very different from yours and from everyone else. No two people see the same universe.

A majority of us spend our whole lives within a limited radius, be it mental, social or geographical - that is our whole universe and thus reality becomes subjective to the definition and limitations of the person experiencing it.

In a given situation, we end up defining our realities in black and white, not understanding that there are so many shades of grey too - even more so not comprehending that black and white is nothing but a function of all colours coming together - in one case the colours are being absorbed and in the other they are being reflected. The colour; the reality we are subconsciously always seeking is there - we just need to look for it.

But as a whole there does exist a cosmic consciousness and if we tap into it - moving away from the black and white paradigm; there is a plethora of colours; many of which we haven't ever seen before and we vivify painting of infinite realities on the universe's canvas.

Crematorial Silence

And I sit alone on the top of my pyre
an eerie quietness, doing my penance
There is nothing louder than the crematorial silence 
None can see me, and the fire is lit

They all come, some weep, some happy
the smell of burning flesh, body turning to ashes
a cold chill, they have come to take me
I still love, I still feel, ergo I don't want to go

Last breath is what I had promised, but still not healed
I look at myself and see just a soul
dive deep inside to see that all I love is within
drifting away to become one with the ethereal reality

Quenched Thirst

Now that all is said and done
and there is nothing more to come
When the truth is known
the storm wreaks havoc and the candle's blown
Pitch darkness, nothings whole
but there's light in the soul

Walking alone on the winding trail
hands are cold, face is pale
Glance aside to give a smile
there's no one around for at least a mile
Tears down the cheek roll
there's a restlessness in the soul

Time is the best healer they said
ask the man who's lost his leg
Powerless in front of our destiny
but as happy as a lark - for the world to see
Insides burning like hot coal
there's still hope in the soul

What is lost shall be found
the feeling is strong and profound
Wait for a few lifetimes
when the sun in the new era shines
Bodies changed universes traversed
no more unrequited - the soul has quenched its thirst

The Greatest Evil

The greatest good is the greatest evil. It is the basic law of physics - every thing existing has an opposite to it; the proverbial other side of the coin.

The greatest good is love for it brings out the best in us - as god's intended creation; but when love goes wrong it has the ability to bring out the worst in us - the devil's virus in the code.

If God is the creator of everything then the Devil is nothing but God's alter ego.

The whole universe is governed by love. Now this love can be what a man feels for a woman or a man for man or a woman for a woman. It is what parents feel for a child and vice-versa. It is an emotion that can be felt for inanimate objects and also for non tangible things.

Love is the basal denominator for all human feelings. All other emotions and feelings are but an extension or variant of love with varying degrees. Someone has said that hate too is misdirected love.

There is no exact definition for love and no two people experiencing the emotion feel exactly the same. It is different for everyone but still the same. The commonality is that when we love someone or something - we want it; the intensity may differ.

Love is so strange an emotion that sometimes it becomes the reason to live life, sometimes to leave life and at times to take a life.

When love is misdirected, when it is felt too strongly or felt less than expected it has a tendency to turn evil. When one feels and the other doesn't; when blind Love is felt for power, for money, for fame it turns evil. When love starts smothering the partner - it turns evil. And Love gone overboard has the power to start driving you to do things which are not right. 

The emotion is so strong that it can turn a Priest into a murderer, a Social worker into a corrupt politician, a gifted doctor into a money making machine, a loving person into a person filled with hate - a person full of life into a suicidal person.

The greatest good turns evil when we turn narcissists - when we start loving ourselves more than anything else and want a person in our life because it makes us happy, notwithstanding what the person feels or what is right; when we want power, position, fame, money et al at any cost because it makes us satiated.

Love for power, position, fame, money etc needs to be toned down to levels where we control the outcome instead of the deep seeded emotion driving us.

Love is not for us to take but for us to give. 

If we expect and demand reciprocation, that is if we try to take love it shall always end up hurting us - pushing us towards evil. True love is all about giving and doing what is right for the person we love, irrespective of what we want. True love is in walking away if need be.

All said and done, none of us are saints and even God has an alter ego.

Tomorrow

Tonight I'll suckle
frightened of death
afraid of the darkness
secure near the breast

Tonight I am afraid
for I saw death
a man in a bloody pool
returning I was from school

Tonight I'll caress
death is such a mess
she gives me the pleasure
my youth fails to measure

Tonight I am free
death can't catch me
wings to fly around
in college fun and frolic abound

Tonight I am high
death tastes so sweet
drugs in my veins
ruling my brain

Tonight I smile
dead are the drugs
that had ruled my brain
and had captured my veins

Tonight I am alone
even death doesn't want me
deserted by friends
cruelty the world lends

Tonight I'll celebrate
the roads are when dead
nobody to care
none to interfere

Tonight I'll dance
to the music of death
when the world is sleeping
some beds maybe creaking

Tonight I'll weep
in the shadows of death
when the innocent sleeps
and awake are the creeps

Tonight I am locked up
away from death
severe mental pain
I am insane

Tonight I am happy
death shall kiss me
in this world so sane
only the insane are sane

Tonight I die
death and I are one
to end my beginning
to begin for me a new end

Tomorrow morning
I'll suckle again